Monthly Archives: March 2024

Anthony Horowitz – The Blurred Man

Anthony Horowitz’s Alex Rider series landed among the late millennials like a drop pod of Space Marines, which we were all collecting. They were, to quote Blackadder, full of capture, torture, escape, and back home in time for tea and medals. Even the cool kids at my school, the casual, uncommitted bullies, were reading Stormbreaker, Point Blanc and Scorpia; lesser spotted were the Diamond Brothers books, in which Horowitz indulges a love of classic noir and black comedy. I worked my way through the punning titles – The Falcon’s Malteser, South By South East, The French Confection – and last week I picked up The Blurred Man for the first time in twenty years, curious to see how my response at thirty differed from that at ten.

Image Credit: Walker

The Diamond Brothers are Tim and Nick. Tim is a very stupid private eye; Nick is a smart, smirky fourteen-year-old. They live together in London and poverty, their parents having moved to Australia. Nick is the first-person narrator of the novels, which nicely inverts the traditional pairing of genius detective/slow-witted sidekick, a generic convention that grew out of the former’s need for someone to whom they could articulate their sleuthing. The Blurred Man is a fuzzy photograph of a reclusive philanthropist called Lenny Smile, whose children’s charity, Dream Time, has received two million dollars from American crime novelist Jack Carter. Carter has arrived in London to meet his beneficiary in person; unfortunately, Smile died a few days before his arrival. And Horowitz doesn’t spare his young target audience: Smile was accidentally run over by a steamroller, which tees up a string of queasy jokes when Nick and Tim go to visit the gibbering wreck of a driver.

   “It must have been a crushing experience,” Tim began.
   Krishner whimpered and twisted in his chair. Dr Eams frowned at Tim, then gently took hold of Krishner’s arm. “Are you all right, Barry?” he asked. “Would you like me to get you a drink?”
   “Good idea,” Tim agreed. “Why not have a squash?”
   Krishner shrieked. His glasses had slipped off his nose and one of his eyes had gone bloodshot.
   “Mr Diamond!” Eams was angry now. “Please could you be careful what you say. You told me you were going to ask Barry what he saw outside Lenny Smile’s house.”
   “Flat,” Tim corrected him.

The humour in The Blurred Man comes from two sources, the witty Nick and the unwitting Tim, with inconsistent success. The latter is too gormless to be truly credible; as P. D. James observed, the Watson should be only slightly less intelligent than the reader. Nick, meanwhile, is constantly firing off wisecracks both as character and narrator, some of which betray a pungent nastiness: one old woman has a face “that had long ago given up trying to look human”. Considering Smile’s associates Rodney Hoover and Fiona Lee, he concludes that “they could have thrown him in front of the steamroller – but if so, why? As Tim would doubtless have said, they’d have needed a pressing reason.” That’s one of the better gags, but I have to admit that at no point, twenty years on, did I laugh out loud – though I’m pretty sure there’s at least one that I didn’t get on my first reading:

“I’m still at the Ritz,” Carter said. “Ask for Room 8.”
“I’ll ask for you,” Tim said. “But if you’re out, I suppose the room-mate will have to do.”

Then again, I never opened these books for the quips. The Diamond Brothers were responsible for putting me on the mystery trail; they were really the first whodunnits I ever encountered. And Horowitz may think kids are easily amused, but he doesn’t underestimate their grasp of human vice and venality. For British readers, a rotten charity that notionally makes children’s dreams come true has a sickly relevance. Nor, crucially, does the plot condescend to cheap tricks that any adult could see through. Readers can make up their own minds about the streak of grotesquerie, but jokes aside, The Blurred Man is a satisfying, unsaccharine little tale.

by Harry Cochrane

The Blurred Man was published by Walker and is available here

A. J. Liebling – Between Meals: An Appetite for Paris

Mens sana in corpore sano is a contradiction in terms”, wrote A. J. Liebling (1904-63), “the fantasy of a Mr Have-your-cake-and-eat-it”. (Liebling, the reader soon learns, always chose to eat it rather than have it). “No sane man can afford to dispense with debilitating pleasures; no ascetic can be considered reliably sane.” This is the keynote of Between Meals, the memoirs of a journalist-hedonist known mostly, if known at all, for his columns in the New Yorker.

Image credit: Penguin

Liebling’s Eden is 1920s Paris, but as his commentator notes, the usual suspects fail to materialize. There is no carousing with Hemingway, Stein, Fitzgerald or Joyce. The only wing he is under is that of the playwright Yves Mirande, who (if his modern unrenown is anything to go by) seems to have spent more effort on perfecting the life rather than the work. Liebling knows his mentor as a breezy womanizer, a devout Catholic and a “great round-the-clock gastronome”, but witnesses the sad decline of an eighty-year-old man who has succumbed to the advice of the “psychosomatic quacks” and gone on a diet. The problem is clear. Mirande’s organs clocked no passing of time when they were getting regular sensory nourishment, but now, condemned to the cavernous wastes of self-denial, they have gone the way of any neglected machine. From the stomach, the rot spreads outwards. “The damage was done”, tolls the chapter’s last sentence, “but it could so easily have been avoided had he been warned against the fatal trap of abstinence.”

Liebling, though, is less a priest of excess than a poet of sensual pleasure, a distinction borne out in a prose style that is usually exquisite, rarely extravagant. He is not writing foodporn for plutocrats; in fact, “a man who is rich in his adolescence is almost doomed to be a dilettante at the table”. According to Liebling, those with no economic limits will never discover the joys of offal like beef heart, and will never learn that there are other fish besides sole, turbot, salmon and trout. Liebling learned it, stretching out the two-hundred dollars that his father wired him every month. Until that great day, he would let his eye rove the wine list only as high as the Tavel (“as far as I am concerned, still the only worthy rosé”); that day arrived, he would flirt with ideas of Côte Rôtie and Chateauneuf-du-Pape.

Despite his pejorative use of it, the word “dilettante” could readily describe Liebling. He essentially remained a hack journo, and never wrote the novel that he dreamed of. But then he has a dilettante’s virtues: a skipping prose style and a diverse range of passions. The “small personal Olympus” that he put together as a child includes George Washington (Zeus), Lillian Russell (Aphrodite) and Enrico Caruso (Pan). Unfortunately, Lillian Russell becomes the poster girl for a polemic that we could have done without. Liebling rightly inveighs against the cultural pressures that urge women to thinness, but his call for the “return” of the “Russellinear woman…a form of animal life that no longer exists” leads in to one of the book’s bizarrer outbursts, made all the more uncomfortable by the seductive wit of the coinage.

His chauvinism extends also to nationhood. He is staunch on the primacy of French cooking, a culinary quilt in which he singles out Burgundian food as “a trumpeting perfection” (Lyon, only a hundred miles away, offers only “a honeyed surfeit”); and rarely has a good word to say about what any other country can serve up. As well as a dogmatist, he can also be a bore: two mid-point chapters on boxing and rowing will probably interest the boxer and the rower, but did not interest this non-practitioner of either. This probably counts as a failure for a trained copy-churning journalist, who should be able to grab any lapels, whatever the subject. If not, the dilettante is just that, without the “delight” that lurks in the etymology.

But delight there is in abundance, especially when Liebling farcically caves in and signs up to a Swiss slimming clinic. “The only sane man on the place, aside from us, was the masseur, a big Swiss named Sprüdli”:

   ‘And thou, eat thou this crap?’ I asked him in my imperfect but idiomatic German.  
   ‘No,’ said Sprüdli, as he plucked my biceps like harp strings and made them snap. ‘I need my strength. I eat to home.’  
   ‘And what has thou to home yesterday evening eaten?’
  ‘Blutwurst,’ he said, ‘and Leberwurst.’ 
  I wish I hadn’t asked, but masochism feeds on itself, especially when there is nothing to eat…Once Sprüdli knew my hurt, he made a point of telling me at each visit his menu for the previous day.

After this “temporary insanity”, he goes back to preaching to the unconverted. After all, “the primary requisite for writing well about food is a good appetite”.

by Harry Cochrane

Between Meals: An Appetite for Paris is published by Penguin and is available here.